Yesterday was Yom Kippur and I am glad to say that we made it through another long fast. 25 hours to be exact. I spent a lot of time reflecting which is the spirit of the day, but it is often hard to put into words what is felt from deep inside.

I spent alot of time trying to make peace with my life and where it is at and to comparing myself to everyone else I know. My life is certainly different from those of my friends I left behind, but even from some of our friends here. Because the truth is no matter where you go there always the people who have the steady job, an average income and although their life may hit a few snags for the most part will a very average life and that will be that. Then you have other people who live off the beaten path. I suppose you could say that my husband and I are destined to live off the beaten path. Many of our friends here are your average working families. The husband works full time, the wife works part-time and they live an average life. However, we have a small group of friends like ourselves, who live life off the beaten path. For us that means that my husband works at a Yeshiva in a Kollel group. A Yeshiva is a place where men go to learn Torah Law. If you are accepted into a Kollel it means that you get a stipend to study and you will eventually begin to teach others what you have learned. Within the religious community this a very prestigious position. Unfortunately the rest of the world thinks this crazy. Particularly because the money is not great. So I try to keep things in perspective and realize that the life we choose to lead is just not going to produce your average middle class family.

I guess somedays this is a very hard thing for me to accept. When we had our son we lived in a tiny apartment and we had no room for decorating and baby furniture. Now that all my friends are pregnant I feel a bit envious that they all have that privilege. On the other hand, what child cares what their baby crib looked like. Living our life the way we have we have gotten to do some pretty amazing things. We spent a month in Israel 2 years before we moved here, have met lots of amazing people and pretty much have managed to have both parents home more with our child than the average family. This has been amazing but stressful too. I guess that is why they say the road less traveled is often more bumpy, but more scenic too.

The other thing I pondered yesterday is a song that most religious Jews sing every Friday night. It is called Eshed Chayil. Otherwise known as Woman of Valour. It is supposed be a tribute to all the hard working wives and mothers out there. The woman in the song works the fields, balances the check book and does the bills, runs the house, manages the children and makes the clothes so that her husband can stand at the gates of city . Meaning he can go and learn. In Judaism learning is the most important thing a man can do with his life. But sometimes I resent this song. This poor woman does it all for her husband. Is she really a great woman, or someone who will never realize her own dreams because she is too busy running the house. I guess this is the fate of all mothers world wide. Putting their dreams on hold for the sake of family and hearth. Now that I am a mother I am still at odds with this song. One we choose not to sing unless we have company. One, because I am at odds with the song and two, because it is so long and I would really rather eat than listen to it. But anyway, I am at odds with the song, because I see what she goes through. I love being a mother and a wife and I am grateful that I have managed to stay at home for the most part with my son. But it is a challenge being the one at home all day and in charge of all things while the men are gone working. I know I do nothing more than my mother did, but I wonder how she did it. My father worked and still works 12 hour days. My mother was everything for us. We were fortunate that my father was able to do unique things with us due to his hours, like hiking in the afternoon before piano lessons on a summer day or taking us skiing on the weekends. But my mom ran the house and us. What makes it so difficult for us, the next generation, to do the same? Are we lazier? Do we demand more than is realistic from our spouses? I am not sure, I only know that to maintain a well run house, I must work on my own relationship to the roles I have chosen to take on in my life.

So to all the Women of Valour out there, the path you choose is not the easy one, but the one that will bring the most reward.

Shabbat Shalom

Today is Erev Yom Kippur. Yom Kippur will start tonight at 4:30 and we will begin a long 25 hour fast asking G-d to forgive us for our shortcomings and think about how to improve ourselves. In theory we, meaning the Jewish people, in general were supposed to start this reflection in the Jewish month of Elul, basically a month of go. However, there is nothing like the last minute to bring things into perspective. Getting established in a foreign country can take a while and just when my husband and I think things are going OK, we hit a snag. It seems perhaps our faith in G-d is being tested. My husband recently started a position in his dream field, I got a job with friends also in an ideal situation. So, what's the problem you ask? Well it turns out it will be a bit longer before my husband receives that first pay check. Because this month is filled with days off from the High Holidays they are waiting until the end of his first full month to distribute pay checks. First snag, second snag arrived when the company I work for was charged a large sum of money by the government rather than receiving the money they owed us. We are getting things straightend out but it makes it hard to cash a check until all is sorted out. But this too like everything else shal pass. But going through things like this is what makes us take things into perspective. I always think it can't get worse and start feeling sorry for myself, until I realize it really could be much worse. We have a wonderful home, with great neighbors, we have running water and electricity. We have food in our cupboards and in our fridge. We already have more than many people. Especially in light of recent natural disasters around the globe. The earthquake in India, Pakistan and Afhganistan killed 35,000+people. More than that are injured and homeless and jobless. The southern United States is still recouping from major hurricanes and flooding and Guatemala just had devistating land slides. And finally on our own home front, we still have thousands that are homeless and jobless thanks to the government expulsion of Gush Katif and 4 West Bank Towns. These people who were supposed to receive compensation 2 years ago have yet to receive a dime. Yes, in light of all that is going on, I realize that I am way ahead of many people. We may not be living large, but Thank G-d I do have a nice home to call mine every night.

In my reflection not only have I started working on the fact that I need to be greatful for what I do have, no matter how little or how much, but also on what I have to offer as a person. Many people we know deal with serious bouts of mental illness. In this day and age it is know as bipolar, deppression, ADD, ADHD, light deporvation illness, etc. The list goes on. I often wonder what it is that leads to all these disorders. Is it our imagination? Has it increased because we are more aware or because we need medication and a label for our feelings of insecurity and our inability to cope in "mainstream" society? I think for each person it is different. I do know it is hard to watch so many people I love battle day after with medication, anxiety, deppression. This doctor, that doctor. I often feel inept and at a loss as to how to help or even how to communicate, just to let them know I care. Sometimes I feel bad I don't have the patience to even try to be there for my friends.

I wonder how to prevent my son from going through this. Can I change his diet? More discipline, less discipline? More attention, less attention? Everyone has a theory. The truth is I don't know that anyone has a sure answer. I have seen people come through Hell to become the best and brightest, I have seen people who were given everything do absolutely nothing. Because I see "mental illness" frequently in so many people I know; it is something I spend a lot of time thinking about. But as of yet I have no answers. I guess as a parent I will just have to focus on today and let tomorrow happen in its own time.

And speaking of parenting today....Yesterday I had the privilege of taking my darling little boy to the doctor. Seems he got worms. No it is not from living in a foreign country or from our house which is kept clean. Seems it comes from eating dirt. This I believe. Our son puts almost everything in his mouth! He has no concept of clean or dirty and moves faster than Superman. I don't know what it is about kids and the need to taste test it all. I think sometimes they even prefer it that way. I have had days where my son refuses to eat, but if he finds it on the floor five minutes later, he will eat it all up! Go figure! But like everything else, this too shal pass and in the scheme of things it could certainly be much worse. I am also comforted to know that this very common. In fact it took the doctor all of 30 seconds to diagnose him. Tell me this guy hasn't seen a few cases of it in his day!

So that is what is going on in our little world today. I hope that for those of you fasting, you will have an easy fast. For those of you who are not Jewish perhaps, today is as good a day as any to count your blessings and take stock of what is really important to you.

For me it is the fact that I have a wonderful son and a husband who loves me and parents who would do anything for me! I am grateful for my parents and my in-laws because although they would rather we not be here, they are still supportive of us. On a side note, I have to say that I love modern technology because I can talk to my parents anytime I want thanks great long distance plans and Voice over IP telephones. Or I can e-mail friends and family and if I get lucky I will an almost instantaneous response. Or at the very least it is just a few days. Just one more thing to be greatful for even though I hate being so dependant on it!

Have a happy new year!

I have finally decided to join the masses and start blogging. Why, I guess because in the Jewish Calendar it is a new year and it is a time of reflection. Looking back on the past year, I have decided it is time to put my thoughts in order and make sense of what has been happening.

Last December much to the dismay of our entire family, my husband and I packed up our things and our one year old son and moved to Israel. My husband and I are the only religiously observant Jews on both sides of the family. The concept of Aliyah(returning to the land of Israel as Jews) is not a concept the family grasps. We came with no job prospects and relatively little money, just a hope and a dream and a sense of longing to fullfill our destiny. In other words the rest of the family wanted to have us committed.

So thanks to an organization called Nefesh'B'Nefesh whose mission it is to help people make aliyah, we packed our bags and arrived in Israel on Dec. 30, 2004. Nefesh helped us with citizenship paper work and gave us a grant to help get settled. We have a three year obligation to stay in Israel and after that we can choose to remain or go back to the U.S.

Our first stop was Ra'anana a very american in town in Central Israel, considered the Tel-Aviv district. We spent 3 very long months in the Mierkaz Klita which is the immigration absorbtion center. I fondly refer to it as Camp Ra'anana. We lived in a two bedroom apt, spacious by mierkaz standards, but in Israel everything is stone. It was cold, wet and moldy. Yuck! However, we were grateful for a spot to land and with good friends down the street it was survivable.

After 3 months in Ra'anana, we moved out to Ginot Shomron in the West Bank. A lovely neighborhood that is part of Karnei Shomron Yeshuv. Our yeshuv (settlement) consists of several communities combined. Our community is mixed religious, from charedi to non-observant, though most hold a comfortable dati leumi which is basically modern Orthodox. The ethnic diversity is mostly, Israeli, Russian and North America. However, the question these days is when do you stop being North American and become Israeli. Many of our friends here made aliyah as kids with their parents. Now our friends have kids, do they still where the label North American because that is where their parents are from? It is very interesting.

We love living out here because it is much more peaceful and quiet than the city. We also appreciate the different mentality of the people here. People here tend to be focused and more politicaly aware than those in the city. Although it is true that at one time during the intifada it was much more dangerous to live here in some regards, it was also not safe in the cities either. Now it is for the most part peaceful and with out incident. It is also much prettier here than the cities. More natural plants and yards and areas of forest than the cities where it is mostly apartment buildings and a few manicured playgrounds and little trees on the sidewalk. I compare living out here, with living in the suburbs of the United States. Although not so materialistic.

It is hard to capture all the feelings and emotions of being here and going through the Gaza withdrawl and making the personal adjustments to living in a country where I don't speak the language so I hope that my future blogs will represent that. Right now I have to get some stuff done as my son finishes with Gan ( a very early pre-school) in a half hour and I have yet to accomplish anything worthwhile.

Which is the other thing I hope to focus on in my blog. Being the parent of an almost 2 year old. Parenting is something that really cannot be prepared for no matter how much reading is done and advice is given. Each situation calls for more reading more, advice and ultimately a test of wills to see who will win the battle. Our son loves to test us and see what he can get away with. Lately this has led to many afternoon and evening battles regarding naptime and bedtime. Usually leaving my crazy. I am told the terrible twos have started and that this too shal pass. Well, lets let it pass shal we?! And quickly. But it is all part of the package. My same little guy that can be a terror also loves to cuddle and listen to the Winnie-the-Pooh song with me and that is priceless. He is also starting to help me in the kitchen when I make dinner or get ready for shabbat. I can hand him the vegetables to put in the soup pot and it gives him such pride to help out his mommy. And that too makes the terrible twos worth it!

The biggest thing happening this week is we are getting ready for Yom Kippur and then next week begins Sukkot. The Chagim (holidays) of the Jewish New Year are really spectacular. It is with seriousness that we reflect on our past year and truly promise to be better the next year. We don't make new year's resolutions that are quickly forgotten by the end of the week. We seriously try to improve our lives. We may not always be succesful, but hopefully something will come of it. For me I am working toward having more patience and faith in both Gd and humanity. I am learning more to realize that everything really does happen for a reason. But I am also working harder to have more confidence in myself. I work for some friends who own a used english bookstore here in Israel. I have been asked to work on the wholesale business side of things. I feel like I have no skills to do this, but I know that I just need to focus and learn how to do it. If other people are willing to put confidence in me, than by all means I should have that same confidence too. I just need to realize that I can do things, I just have to put my mind to it.

OK, that is really all for today. I will have to save the rest of my thoughts for another time when work and laundry are not calling my name!