Yesterday was Yom Kippur and I am glad to say that we made it through another long fast. 25 hours to be exact. I spent a lot of time reflecting which is the spirit of the day, but it is often hard to put into words what is felt from deep inside.

I spent alot of time trying to make peace with my life and where it is at and to comparing myself to everyone else I know. My life is certainly different from those of my friends I left behind, but even from some of our friends here. Because the truth is no matter where you go there always the people who have the steady job, an average income and although their life may hit a few snags for the most part will a very average life and that will be that. Then you have other people who live off the beaten path. I suppose you could say that my husband and I are destined to live off the beaten path. Many of our friends here are your average working families. The husband works full time, the wife works part-time and they live an average life. However, we have a small group of friends like ourselves, who live life off the beaten path. For us that means that my husband works at a Yeshiva in a Kollel group. A Yeshiva is a place where men go to learn Torah Law. If you are accepted into a Kollel it means that you get a stipend to study and you will eventually begin to teach others what you have learned. Within the religious community this a very prestigious position. Unfortunately the rest of the world thinks this crazy. Particularly because the money is not great. So I try to keep things in perspective and realize that the life we choose to lead is just not going to produce your average middle class family.

I guess somedays this is a very hard thing for me to accept. When we had our son we lived in a tiny apartment and we had no room for decorating and baby furniture. Now that all my friends are pregnant I feel a bit envious that they all have that privilege. On the other hand, what child cares what their baby crib looked like. Living our life the way we have we have gotten to do some pretty amazing things. We spent a month in Israel 2 years before we moved here, have met lots of amazing people and pretty much have managed to have both parents home more with our child than the average family. This has been amazing but stressful too. I guess that is why they say the road less traveled is often more bumpy, but more scenic too.

The other thing I pondered yesterday is a song that most religious Jews sing every Friday night. It is called Eshed Chayil. Otherwise known as Woman of Valour. It is supposed be a tribute to all the hard working wives and mothers out there. The woman in the song works the fields, balances the check book and does the bills, runs the house, manages the children and makes the clothes so that her husband can stand at the gates of city . Meaning he can go and learn. In Judaism learning is the most important thing a man can do with his life. But sometimes I resent this song. This poor woman does it all for her husband. Is she really a great woman, or someone who will never realize her own dreams because she is too busy running the house. I guess this is the fate of all mothers world wide. Putting their dreams on hold for the sake of family and hearth. Now that I am a mother I am still at odds with this song. One we choose not to sing unless we have company. One, because I am at odds with the song and two, because it is so long and I would really rather eat than listen to it. But anyway, I am at odds with the song, because I see what she goes through. I love being a mother and a wife and I am grateful that I have managed to stay at home for the most part with my son. But it is a challenge being the one at home all day and in charge of all things while the men are gone working. I know I do nothing more than my mother did, but I wonder how she did it. My father worked and still works 12 hour days. My mother was everything for us. We were fortunate that my father was able to do unique things with us due to his hours, like hiking in the afternoon before piano lessons on a summer day or taking us skiing on the weekends. But my mom ran the house and us. What makes it so difficult for us, the next generation, to do the same? Are we lazier? Do we demand more than is realistic from our spouses? I am not sure, I only know that to maintain a well run house, I must work on my own relationship to the roles I have chosen to take on in my life.

So to all the Women of Valour out there, the path you choose is not the easy one, but the one that will bring the most reward.

Shabbat Shalom